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From Where I Lie

Tuesday May 4, 2010

By Larry Johnson

    Camping is the modern equivalent of a lifestyle that took our ancestors thousands of years to escape from.  Perverse as human nature is, once we have overcome an obstacle to our happiness and well-being, we miss it and try to recapture it by spending thousands of dollars on camping equipment that could be better used for going to Disneyland, Las Vegas or even Club Med; places where nature has very little chance to make inroads, except for the occasional potted palm in the hotel lobby or the potted tourist in the hotel bar.

    We go camping, I believe, in order to spend a few days reliving the miserable lives of our distant ancestors who died young trying to provide a higher standard of subsistence for their children; and who scrimped and saved a few skunk and raccoon skins here and there over the years in order to send the little darlings off to the best flint-napping and canoe building schools in the forest.   The only difference being that they didn’t have Deep Woods Off to keep the mosquitoes at bay, nor cell phones to call in the medi-vac helicopter when things got really ugly.

    The old Indian saying, “A small fire will keep you warmer,” is not necessarily true, but a small fire will be less likely to cause minor to severe burns over 30 % of your body.

    One does not go on a camping trip without extensive preparation.  First, you need to clean out the hall closet where you have stored all of the equipment that you meant to use years ago but never did.  My advice at this point is to leave it in the closet. If you feel the call of the wild surging through your veins, make up stories to tell your friends about the great camping experiences you have had.  If they show signs of doubting you, and this is bound to happen from time -to -time, just take them to the hall closet and show them the equipment. This will usually be enough to convince them that you are telling the truth.

    There will be those among your acquaintances who will not accept your shiny, undamaged, camping gear as evidence of your wilderness skills.  It may be worth your time to first take the stuff out to the driveway and back over it with your SUV. You know, the one with the canoe rack on the top and the bicycle rack on the back. This will give authenticity to your lies and will help build your reputation as a fearless outdoorsman.

    Ugly body scars---both the superficial kind as well as the occasional missing limb or digit---will go a long way toward  enhancing your reputation.  Unfortunately, most health insurance programs will not provide for this kind of elective surgery, and it may be necessary for you  to do it yourself.

    To simulate cooking burns acquired while roasting a dead skunk over an open fire, I recommend that you let your car run for ten or fifteen minutes and then crawl under it and grab hold of the muffler with both hands. This will not only provide sufficient evidence that you are an outstanding open air cook, but the head bruises you will suffer while thrashing around beneath your SUV will add convincingly to your manufactured persona.

    Before heading out into the bush, however, I recommend that you get your wills in order---both your living will and your not so living will---just in case a porcupine decides to crawl into your sleeping bag (you will probably survive this experience but you will wish you were dead) or a lovesick moose decides you are cutting into his territory (in which case you will wish you were alive but you’ll probably be stomped to a bloody pulp.)

    Real camping requires the observance of a few rules.

1.    Dogs, cats and other domestic pets are not fond of canoeing, especially in a boat that is bobbing up and down.  If possible, they will dump you, your battery operated TV. set and your stash of liquor in order to crawl over your drowning bodies in a desperate attempt to reach shore and join a wild band of distant cousins.

2.    The forest or park service does not appreciate your clear cutting large tracts of forest in order to fuel your campfire.                                                                         

3.    Raccoons are thieves.  They will rob you blind, so leave your credit cards and Rolex watches at home.

4.    Do not eat anything that grows in the woods.  It will either kill you or make you wish you were dead.

5.    Do not, I repeat, do not for any reason lie on the ground unless someone is shooting at you. It is very hard and it is crawling with biting and blood-sucking wildlife that will turn your nights into pure hell.  I recommend that when night falls, you take yourself as quickly as possible to the nearest motel where the likelihood that you will be robbed is great, but the sheets will no doubt be free of porcupine quills.       

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