Death With Dignity and Humor

By Larry Johnson

    When Art Buchwald moved to a Washington, D.C. hospice to die, the humorist in him  couldn’t help but make a joke out of his end-of-life decision: When my friends started coming to visit me, he said, “I told them, ‘Dying is easy; parking is impossible.’”

     Buchwald was somewhat exceptional in his attitude toward death, and this may explain why he was finally kicked out of the hospice for over staying his expected time limit.

     However, most of us don’t see the humor in our inevitable end, but maybe, occasionally, we should entertain the lighter side of eternity.

     Lisa Carlson, an authority on funerals and the laws regulating the disposal of our remains, spoke recently at the Weybridge Congregational Church. When her husband died in his early thirties, leaving her with two small children and limited funds, she discovered, out of need, that burials don’t necessarily have to bankrupt those left behind. She investigated the laws pertaining to “Caring For Your Own Dead,” the title of the first of her two books. She discovered that she could transport her dead husband to the crematorium  and save $350. She and her brother-in-laws built a pine box in the basement to convey the remains. The whole funeral was conducted without benefit of a funeral director and it was all done legally and within the boundaries of good taste and sensitivity.

     Ms. Carlson considers herself anti-consumer abuse, not anti-funeral industry. She believes that we have been brainwashed into believing that caring for our dead is out of our hands, and this, according to Lisa, is a shame because it can be an emotionally rewarding experience. A necessary catharsis for healing in some situations.

     According to Lisa Carlson, “The average cost of a U.S. funeral in 1999 was nearly $5000, not counting cemetery and monument expenses. Yet more than half of all widows are living on $10,000 a year or less.”  Believe me, it hasn’t gotten less expensive over the intervening eight years.

     Shopping around for a low-cost  funeral has, up until recently, been taboo. We are embarrassed, for the most part, to bargain hunt  when it comes to laying to rest our loved ones. Nearly 90% of consumers  recently surveyed, paid the asking price of the first funeral home they came to. “Forty-five percent used a funeral home that served the family in the past. If it’s the one Mom called when Dad died, it’s the one you’re likely to call when Mom dies. Thirty-three percent called the nearest funeral home, and11% picked a funeral home based on ethnic or religious affiliation.”

     I remember distinctly when my own father died, nearly thirty years ago, I was put in charges of organizing the funeral. Out of deference to Dad’s own wishes, I proceeded to shop around and to negotiate for a low-cost funeral. I remember how awkward it was and how guilty I was made to feels when I started asking about prices. It was implied that the deceased should have the very best and most expensive send-off that we could afford. I stuck to my guns, however, and Dad received a dignified, if low-cost, burial.

     A friend, John Clark, a sculptor, writer and retired college professor, went one step further. He told me about taking care of his sister before and after death. The family got together and built her a pine box and even dug the grave. “The whole process had a healing effect, and brought us all closer together,” John explained.

     In Lisa Carlson’s most recent book “I Died Laughing,” a slight volume filled with humor as well as useful information she has salvaged from the dumpster of misinformation, she dispels the misconceptions   we all have been led to believe about the end of life, as it pertains to the laws and regulations of the state. “Embalming is not required in any state during the first 24 hours, and is probably unnecessary during the first three days,” according to Lisa.   However, some states require embalming a body if it is to be moved across state lines.

     “There is no state law that requires a coffin vault. Cemetery regulations may require the use of one---to keep the grave from caving in… In that case, a grave liner performs the same function as a coffin vault, at a lower cost.” It is also unnecessary to have a coffin if one is going to be cremated. If a “viewing” is decided upon, a casket liner can be rented for the event at a much lower cost than buying a casket. For hundreds of dollars, instead of thousands, it is possible to rent a “viewing” casket with a removable liner. A new liner is then inserted for the next customer.

      It may also possible to bury a loved one on your own private property. If you own land and wish to start your own family cemetery, “Draw a map of the land showing where the family burial grounds will be and ask to have it recorded with t he deed,” Lisa advises. It is also a good idea, “If there are no state laws… to place it at least 150 feet from a water supply and 50 feet from any power lines.”

     Lisa recommends that funeral planning should be a family affair. Involving family members before the event is the best way to prevent indecision and unnecessary expense afterwards. Also, bringing the entire immediate family into the planning stage is a good way to express the intimacy and the naturalness of death. In one sense, it is analogous to a rehearsal, a way of preparing for the emotional impact that invariably occurs when a loved one dies.

     Lisa also recommends an Advanced Directive. This is a legal document outlining in great detail what you want and, more importantly, what you do not want at the end of life. This document tells those who may be involved with your physical and medical care what your wishes may be concerning extraordinary measures to preserve your life at that time.

     Write a letter to your children, Lisa advises, telling them what your wishes may be as to your final disposition. This should be an intimate letter, expressing your love as well as your desire to have them follow your final wishes. Lisa introduced this concept with one of her many jokes:

          “The mother-in-law called her daughter-in-law and said, ‘I’ve decided I want
             to be cremated.’”

          “’Great,’” replied the daughter-in-law. “’Get your coat on. I’ll be right over.’”

    Art Buchwald in his very last book, “Too Soon to Say Goodbye,” confesses, “I never knew how many perks were involved with dying. I have to be  honest; I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.” Unlike Buchwald, I’m not anticipating the end with such unbridled glee. However, I do believe that death should not only be prepared for in advance, but   approached, unwaveringly, with an incurable sense of humor.